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[personal profile] jpgsawyer
Modern man does not need to go all Ernest Hemingway and go big game hunting to prove his virility, he can just step out into the garden and there many challenges await to prove his metal.

Today your humble correspondent found himself with a worthy opponent in the vast stand of pampas grass that has been glowering at him ever since we moved in last August.

You can see it here in the top right of the picture which was taken prior to us painting the deck.

I knew the challenge I was facing so I warmed up by extending my vegetable patch by two metres further down the hill and breaking up the soil ready for the upcoming spring planting. Once suitably limbered up I assessed my opponent, a veritable fortified tower of planthood.

This gave me an idea of how to proceed, as would an engineer of old, I decided that sapping was my only option. Do not worry dear reader I haven't taken leave of my senses and gone off to get the black power, I speak purely of undermining and thus toppling my foe.

As is the course of all adventures things started in adversity. The henge trimmer I wanted to use to cut the giant down to size was refusing to work. However, ready do not fear as I used high cunning and determined it was just a loose wire in the plug. Following the attentions of a screw driver it was functioning again and leaves and fronds where flying as I found my inner David and I threw everything I had at this Goliathian plant.

Once I could get at the base my engineering soul sang a little hymn and we dug under the ramparts and delved into the deep dark places of the garden. Little by little got underneath the roots of the plant with satisfying crashes of mattock and spade.

It wasn't an easy mine with many a cave-in but slowly I progressed round and round with trusty mattock until down came the tower and I was able to roll it away.

Like the mighty hunters of times past I paused as this point for light refreshments and to have my picture taken with my kill.


Tired and weary at this point it would have been easy to stop but never let it be said I leave a job half done. I still needed to gather up the leaves (a whole hippo bag full!) and split down the carcass of the giant which I could not lift. For this the best tool is an axe!


I took my mighty kill off to the council establishment suitable for the disposal of such toxic waste. The beast took the entire rear of our conveyance and even I needed help lifting the remains into the crusher but finally it was done and now I take the victors rest with a beer and snacks and Rugby.

I know of course the beast will rise again, or perhaps vengeance for its death will be sort by deranged mother but until that time I say this;

Gentlemen travel is easy but just prattle
in your gardens find your battle,
under no circumstance should you say,
Pampas grass plant I this day!

Date: 2015-02-15 08:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"pompous grass'' I call it. And very 1970s. There is a tradition from that reckless decade that if you plant it in your front garden, so to speak, you are advertising the fact that swingers live there. Better out than in.

Date: 2015-02-15 09:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Indeed I made a joke elsewhere about removing it on Valentine's day being some kind of love declaration.


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September 2017


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